My new tv! what do you guys think?

It is always easier to break down than to build, and much more diffucult to tie than to untie. I've been thinking about this a lot. I haven't found it more true than I have this year. I haven't tried to get into contact with anyone and thus our ties are being broken. It really is easier to destroy everything than to rebuild or to even build in the first place.

I've decided that there are two kinds of people just two. The builders and the Destroyers. Builders create connects and keep people together. They are the type that is quickly fading from this world. Then there are Destroyers who break every connection and destroy everyone they once had close to them.

I have come to realize that I am a Destroyer. I used to think I was a builder because I was the only one around me who bothered to try and connect with everyone. I realized that this is not true. I am just a destroyer pretending to be a builder. I find it so much easier to destroy everything around me without even trying. Its like I know exactly what to say to break the relationships which tie me to others. I'm trying to think of a time I haven't destroyed everything I love.... nothing is coming to mind.

So yeah sigh... My computer is broken again. Or rahter the computer guys didn't fix it at all. Fuck annoying seriously. I mean why say its fixed if its not. They basically turned it on and didn't see a problem with it.... DID YOU EVEN CHECK THE HARDDRIVE?! ugh... I can't belive I have to take it in again. I'm also so sick of Mother saying its all the fault of the wireless. I've had no problems with it. I like wireless and need it. I mean seriously its not the wireless' fault but the harddrive. sigh. But yaya I did find a new way to LJcut its totally weird. But at least it works kinda now?

( CSI BABY )

So Lol my world is technically falling apart. The really weird thing is that I'm totally cool with it. I mean seriously if anyone else were in this situation I bet they would be crying. But I'm fine with it. I feel.... calm? Collected? Very Shizuka I guess. The really weird thing is I should be freaking out but I guess I have just realized that it doesn't matter anymore. Life is going to become unfair and cruel no matter what I do. Then everything I think matters to me won't and then I'll die once I've lived a long life of things that just don't matter anymore. Its that simple. Maybe this glass is empty view that I've taken is actually caused by the fact that I've realized I don't really have anyone to turn to anymore. Its cool though. I have like always remembered that the only one I can rely on and trust is myself.

So I guess what I'm saying is when things finally do go to hell. I'll just leave. I mean deep in my heart I've realized that once it becomes too much I'll just take off. Hey that's what a full tank of gas is for any why right? I mean sure I would LOVE not to have to worry about Jan.... I really would love for all that to just leave and never ever worry about it. But hey I've known since the start that this was going to happen. So I'll guess I'll accept it.

So Mother told me a story today that a father who's son had died knew almost nothing about his son. He didn't know his son's favorite music or classes. Naturally I asked Mother if she knew my favorite classes or music. She did sort of. But I can't really blame her since my likes often change however, I felt bad thinking that should something like that happen to me. I dont' want people to say my parents know nothing about me. I realize they do know a lot about me but hey why not give them a hand? After all they aren't mind readers right?

Favorite Music: Happy Caramelldasen/Anything by Gackt. Sad 16th Station. Angry Taste the Blood/Animal I've become/Der Spiegel/Name of the Game.
Favorite Artist: Gackt and Tsukiko Amano
Favorite Colors: Black Red Blue White (in that order)
Favorite Video Game: Resident Evil (duh) Fatal Frame Shadow Hearts Fallout 3 Bioshock and Assassin's Creed.
Favorite Anime (series) : Currently Bleach, but overall probably Chrono Crusade.
Favorite Anime (movie): The Girl Who Leapt Through Time. used to be Spirited Away/Princess Mononoke.
Favorite Tv Show: CSI! Used to be Buffy and 3rd Rock From The Sun.
Favorite Class: English (not in College though) and Biology.
Favorite time of day: Night.
Favorite Video Game System: Xbox 360 (Hikari)
Favorite Drink: Mountain Dew Voltae (its a guilty pleasure)
Favorite Mangaka (Yaoi): Naono Bohra.
Favorite Place: Japan Shijuku or Sangubashi.
Favorite Smell: The smell of rain. (aka wet rocks)
Favorite Computer Game: Myst 3 or Myst 1.
Favorite Book: Luna followed by Ego and Frankenstein.
Favorite Author: Julie Ann Peters, Chuck Pala...(don't make me spell it FIGHT CLUB!) and Darren Shan (?)
Favorite Food: MEAT! (duh)
Favorite Jacket: My Portland State one and the wings one from Japan.
Favorite Jewerly: My rings and necklaces.
Favorite Time of Year: Summer.
Favorite Temp: 80+
Favorite Sport: To Watch Baseball. To play swimming?
Favorite Movie:....which one? (everyone knows I've only seen five movies I hate in my life)

Shall we do Least Favorites now?

Least Favorite Book: Twilight and the Odyssey.
Least Favorite Time of Day: Morning/Bedtime
Least Favorite Food: Mushrooms.
Least Favorite Time of Year: Winter (coold)
Least Favorite Color: Green(the bright kind not the dark forest green.)
Least Favorite Music: Rap. (just can't get into it)
Least Favorite Game: ....ummm..... your mom?
Least Favorite Video Game System: Wii.

Well I can't think of anything else.... Hopes this helps guys. If you have any others tell me k? Hearts.

Agh! My big computer is breaking down! The hardrive is shutting down. I'm really freakin out! I mean seriously freaking out. Now is NOT the time for this. I mean I'm mostly caught up homework wise and I always have Shiki in case the computer does go out. But still this is really crappy timing. I've got two different papers to write. On top of a power point to finish. Oh god this is not good.

Plus I'm worried about all my stuff. I mean if I lost all my docs.... (and my YAOI!) I'd freak out. I mean seriously I have stuff from years ago. And god knows I've downloaded tons of yaoi. Sob. The thought of losing all that makes me panic. I'v already started backing it up. But still.... Oh god.... I'm worried. I've honestly never backed anything up and I'm freaking out that its going to not work.

I mean I've saved most of my important writing stuff to Shiki but still. Dear god this is TERRIBLE timing. I've got so much to do in the next few days. In other news I'm almost done with the short story I've been writing for the last few days. I'm really excited to finish. Cause then I can go back to SH. Anyway I'm going to panic for a while longer.

I have been coughing all day today. Its really unfun. I feel so weak right now. This is the first time in my life where I feel like my own body isn't on my side. Its a very frightening thing.

So lets see where to start? Well lets start with tues I got Assassin's Creed 2 so naturally I stayed home to play it. No big deal the games amazing. But by weds I had a cough and wasn't feeling great. Mommy wanted me to go to school but I decided to stay home since my writing class was canceled and we were watching a movie in Leap. So I stayed home but was still feeling okay and able to move around. My cough had gotten worse by then and I had a slight fever but was over all okay and able to watch tv and all that fun stuff. I had been coughing so hard that my head was killing me. I felt sick and achy but someone had to go to the store so in my illness I did it. Getting food and all that even though I could barely walk straight.

On a side note I did make friends with one of the deli guys his name is Ernie and he's very nice. Gave me free meat and everything. Yummy. I love people who give free samples of meat! He was very funny too acting like the meat nazi aka the soup nazi from that tv show.... you know the one with the show that's about nothing.... *head hurt*

Anyway I came home Jakob was here though I was half insane with pain and scream aka coughed/whined at him to leave if he wasn't going to be any help. I basically collapsed by this point but still managed to hang out play video games and watch a movie. You know me and my hate of sleep! So now Thurs rolls around. Mommy has checked me in the morning and reminds me that I need to get up by 12 to go to that funeral. I agree because the woman who died Seng was the woman who basically took care of me as a child. I stay home again from school despite the fact that I had a test in Japanese. My chest hurt too much. By this time my ribs are bruised from all my coughing and my head feels like its a cantalope in a soup can. (yay csi) Mother came home to take me to the funeral only to discover that I was barely responsive and that my fever had gone up. She decided to let me sleep. By the time she came back from work she found that my fever had again gone up.

By this time I'm sure my mom was feeling more than slightly alarmed. I mean being who I am I rarely get very sick. I've had sniffles and coughs and the like but they usually last a day or two at best. The last time I was really sick was when I was in middle school and missed a week of class. Thats not to say that I don't enjoy skipping school. I often enjoy the feeling of being able to relax and take it easy. And before I go any further I think its important to point out that I've never had the flu. Daddy always says that if you get the flu you know it and since I've probably thrown up five times total in my life time I know I've never had the flu.

So I think I'll start this off with the good things that happened yesterday. Yesterday mommy and I went to Fye's to get a movie The Girl Who Leapt Through Time. They didn't have it.... grumble I'll buy it online then. But they did have Bleach so yay I have the first four seasons. Anyway we decided we were hungry so we were going to go to Tickles. I've talked about it before I'm sure its a little food joint that my parents had been going to when they dated and then my mom started taking me to it. Well I've been going for probably nine years plus my parents that like twenty years that we've been going there. Anyway my mom and I have made friends with the owner named John who's very nice. He happens to be the only person I allow to call me Mary. Anyway it was closing time so I called him and asked him to please stay open for a few more minutes so we could eat his food. (which is heavenly) So yeah he stayed open for us later saying that he'd stay open as late as needed for us! I love John he's so awesome! Plus his food is sooooo yummy. It helps that I'm friends with him really does.

LOL Just asked mommy and Vinnie to pick a number between 1 and 13 she picked 10 he picked 7. They're both the same bleach opening. LOL!

So I know its been a while. I don't really feel up to talking about my life right now. Its all too chaotic right now so instead I bring a short fic I wrote today before class. Lol I seriously doubt anyone will know who's the narrator is or who the person the narrator is talking about. If you can figure it out points for you!

( Deep in my heart I have my dreams hidden from myself.  )